Excerpts From A Life

Thanks Obama

Sat, 09 Mar 2013 23:36:00 -0500

Judith: Sonia, you now we love you here. But lately your sales have been slipping. We’re really concerned.
Me: OK… I’ll bring them up.
Judith: Well… you said that last month and your sales are still very low.
Me: Honestly, I think it’s the economy. People just aren’t as interested in buying knife sets as they used to be.
Judith: You have two weeks to bring up your sales.
Me: Or…
Judith: Just bring them up. You don’t want to find out what the or is.

Two weeks later. On a street corner in Lakeview.

Me: ♫ Get some froyo. Come and get some get some froyo. I love froyo. I know you do too yo. ♫
Child: Mommy, why is that lady dressed like a blueberry?
Mother: Because she made some bad life decisions, honey. Come along. It’s not polite to stare.

1.29.13 / Wonder Bar

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 14:37:14 -0500

1.29.13 / Wonder Bar

Foz @ Cole’s. 1.16.13.

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 16:27:00 -0500

Foz @ Cole’s. 1.16.13.

CONGRATS ON YOUR SUCCESS SHOWCASE. COME OUT. DECEMBER 6TH @...

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 18:34:00 -0500

CONGRATS ON YOUR SUCCESS SHOWCASE. COME OUT. DECEMBER 6TH @ UNCHARTED BOOKS. 7PM. FREE. BYOB.

Hot Bits!

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 11:37:00 -0400

Amee: Are you eating a burrito for breakfast?

Me: Yes, don’t push your conformist agenda on me.

Amee: What? No. You want a burrito for breakfast, whatever.

Me: Socialist.

Amee: What?

Me: First, they came for the Jews and—

Amee: Are you making a Nazi reference about breakfast?!

Me: Don’t tread on me!

Amee: STOP WATCHING FOX NEWS BEFORE BED!!!

Me: I’m researching my political bits!!

Peach Rings

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 11:07:00 -0400

Me: Gummy?

Elle: Weren’t you complaining about cavities yesterday?

Me: I just chew on one side, plus how can I pass up peach rings?

Elle: I don’t—

Me: AAAAH!!

Elle: What!?

Me: My tooth, oh God, the pain…

Elle: I told you! Give me the bag.

Me: No no, I switched sides, it’s cool… it’s cool.

Elle: Pretty sure this is your rock bottom.

My Friends are awesome...

Mon, 14 May 2012 10:23:59 -0400

Via GChat:

John: hey! i’ve been seeing these pics of you being funny on fb

Sent at 9:14 AM on Monday

John: pretty good photoshop job

Hipster / Part Deux

Mon, 07 May 2012 09:27:00 -0400

Amee: So you’re moving to Logan Square.. but you’re not not a hipster.
Me: I am not. It’s a nice neighborhood and the apartment is nice yet reasonably priced.
Amee: Any good coffee shops?
Me: OMG, you have to go New Wave Coffee on Milwaukee and Logan. They have these amazing almond croissants and coffee beans from… wait…
Amee: I think I’ve made my point.
Me: That was a dirty trick.

Benefits

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 12:12:00 -0400

Mom: But the job offers health care… benefits? You don’t want benefits???

Me: I don’t want their oppressive work schedule. Can’t you see? The comfort, stability, and predictability of a “real job” lulls people into a corporate death, then before they know it they’re 66 and at their work retirement party.

Mom: So benefits are… oppressive?

Me: Stove just blew up, Mom… got to go.

Mom: Right. You do realize if that actually happen, your medical bills would be astronomical… unless you had health coverage.

Me: Fire department is here. Got to go!

Chicago

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:10:00 -0400

Me: I spent most of the day wandering the city lost. Even in places I go all the time.
Brenda: Why is that?
Me: I guess the city is different once the weather doesn’t suck.
Brenda: Really… Do you have anything you want to say to me?
Me: Well… I suppose I’m sorry for telling you to go fuck yourself when you told me it’s a different city in Spring and Summer.
Brenda: Totally uncalled for.
Me: Chicago brings out the worst in me.

My first written review! Thank you mystery woman who dropped...

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 15:15:00 -0400

My first written review! Thank you mystery woman who dropped this onto my lap then quickly scampered away.

Downton Abbey

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 19:56:00 -0500

Me: My laptop is RUINED.
Amee: What happened?
Me: I spilled tea on it…
Amee: Oh no!
Me: While watching Downton Abbey.
Amee: Oh the irony.
Me: Except that it’s not ironic at all…
Amee: I subscribe to the Alanis Morissette School of Irony.

McDonald's

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 23:09:00 -0500

Me: Then I said to him “Look you work at McDonald’s. If anyone is going to be judging someone, it’ll be me.
Amee: And this is all because he said they don’t offer dollar fries at that location?
Me: $1.67 is unreasonable for a small fry and I shouldn’t be looked down on for saying it.

Sick

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 11:47:00 -0500

Me: Are you STILL sick?
Amee: Yeah.
Me: You’ve had that “cold” for TWO weeks.
Amee: Why are you using air quotes around cold?
Me: Because I’m not sure you actually have a cold. Two weeks is a long time to be sick.
Amee: You’re being ridiculous.
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME!
Amee: Did you watch Contagion again?
Me: It’s based on real science!

Twitter

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 14:30:00 -0500

Me: I can’t have a Twitter account. I’m too verbose.
Amee: It’s easy. Just say what you want to say but be brief and concise.
Me: Ok… First tweet “Hello, world”.
Amee: Good. See, that wasn’t hard.
Me: Right. Second tweet… “Good morrow members of the Twitterati.”
Amee: Good what?
Me: “Through this account I hope to bring you 140 character dispatches that will often be humorous, but at times tragic.”
Amee: Okay stop. You’re already over the…
Me: “I opened this account with ‘Hello, world’ because in 1974…”
Amee: Just delete the account. There is no hope for you.

Probably

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 16:20:00 -0500

Me: I don’t find the movie Ground Hog Day entertaining until he begins his multiple suicide attempts.
Lila: I think that says a lot about you as a person.
Me: Probably.

Vegetarian

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:02:00 -0500

Me: I’m a vegetarian.
Leo: Wait what? Seriously. Ugh… I mean no offense but I LOVE MEAT. I COULD NEVER DO THAT. I love meat too much! Oh no, will you offended if I eat meat?
Me: Are you going to force feed it to me?
Leo: Ummm… no?
Me: Okay then.

*one week later*

Leo: I think I’m going to get the steak. What are you getting?
Me: AAAAH! I cannot BELIEVE you are getting meat. I LOOOVE vegetables.
Leo: Huh?
Me: I could NEVER eat as much meat as you do.
Leo: Okaaay… I see what you’re doing here.
Me: ALL that saturated fat. Diabetes? Kidney stones? Do you know what’s in McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets??? Here’s a hint: it’s not chicken.
Leo: Please stop.
Me: Right after you watch some PETA videos I’ve queued up.

oops

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 12:36:00 -0500

Accidentally deleted everything yesterday. Re-posted everything. All is well.

Mom

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 12:33:00 -0500

Mom: I just don’t understand. You threw away your degree…
Me: Do we have to do this right now?
Mom: I just don’t understand why you hate me? What did I do to deserve this???
Me: Fire alarm just went off in the building Mom. I have to go.
Mom: I don’t hear anything.

*three weeks later*

Mom: I’m sorry about last time. I just want to understand this comedy thing. I was reading on Google that sometimes it takes people 10-15 years before they… make it.
Me: You’re using Google now?
Mom: Some people have to do things on a… “casting couch” to make it? Do you know what that is?
Me: A bomb just hit the building Mom.
Mom: What?
Me: Yup… got to go.

Ageism

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 12:33:00 -0500

3PM. Bar in Old Town.

Woman in Sunglasses: Excuse me… can I see your IDs? Specifically you.
Me: Me??
Woman: Yes you.

*15 seconds later*

Woman: Oh my goodness. Wow. I definitely thought you were underage. I saw you walk in here and I was like quick, grab that tiny girl with the tight jeans on. She can’t be older than 12 hahahaha.
Me: Middle aged woman inexplicably wearing sunglasses indoors, perhaps to hide the fact that she has a drinking problem or perhaps a coke habit.
Woman: Excuse me?
Me: Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were sharing our insights on each other.